Film Quotes by W.C. Fields

Cuthbert J. Twillie: I'm tending bar one time down in the lower East side in New York... a tough felona comes in there by the name of Chicago Molly. I cautioned her, "None of your peccadilloes in here." There was some hot lunch on the bar comprising of succotash, Philadelphia cream cheese and asparagus with mayonnaise. She dips her mitt down into this melange - I'm yawning at the time - and she hits me right in the mug with it. I jumps over the bar and I knocks her down.
Squawk Mulligan, bartender: [walks up] Where's the funnel?
Cuthbert J. Twillie: I don't know. It's up along there somewhere. You were there the night I knocked Chicago Molly down, weren't you?
Squawk Mulligan, bartender: YOU knocked her down? I was the one that knocked her down.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: [to the barfly] Oh, yeah, yes, that's right. He knocked her down. But I was the one started kicking her!
Squawk Mulligan, bartender: Here's the funnel.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: [to Squawk] Yeah, OK.
[to barfly]
Cuthbert J. Twillie: I starts kicking her in the midriff. D'ja ever kick a woman in the midriff that had a pair of corsets on?
Barfly drinking Panther: No, I just can't recall any such incident right now.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Why I almost broke my great toe. I never had such a painful experience.
Barfly drinking Panther: Uh, did she ever come back again?
Squawk Mulligan, bartender: I'll say she came back! She came back a week later and beat the both of us up.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Yeah. But she had another woman with her... an elderly lady with gray hair.

Cuthbert J. Twillie: If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

Cuthbert J. Twillie: Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

Cuthbert J. Twillie: Tell me, prairie flower, can you give me the inside info on yon damsel with the hothouse cognomen?
Mrs. Gideon: Do you mean Miss Flower Belle Lee?
Cuthbert J. Twillie: I don't mean some woman out in China.
Mrs. Gideon: Well! I'm afraid I can't say anything good about her.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: I can see what's good. Tell me the rest.

Egbert Sousé: [to bank robber, after narrowly missing the police during a car chase] Seems to be a great deal of traffic here for a country road. Don't you think?

Egbert Sousé: Did you warble my little wren?

Egbert Sousé: Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?

Egbert Sousé: Ever done any boondoggling?

Egbert Sousé: I'm very fond of children. Girl children, around eighteen and twenty.

Egbert Sousé: My uncle, a balloon ascensionist, Effingham Hoofnagle, took a chance. He was three miles and a half up in the air. He jumped out of the basket of the balloon and took a chance of alighting on a load of hay.
Og Oggilby: Golly! Did he make it?
Egbert Sousé: Uh... no. He didn't. Had he been a younger man, he probably would have made it. That's the point. Don't wait too long in life.