Film Quotes by Oliver Hardy

Stanlio: [to a Guard] Leave us alone, or I'l tell Diavalo on you.
Ollio: He doesn't mean Diavalo, sir; he means the Marquis de San Marco.
[realizes he's made the connection between the two]
Ollio: Oooooohhhhh.

Stanlio: Why don't we start at the top?
Ollio: Whatya mean?
Stanlio: Well, why don't we become bandits? Then we wouldn't have to work hard anymore. Let's get it the easy way. We could rob the rich and give them to the poor, and we could have all...
Ollio: [Interrupting him] That's the first time you've shown any intelligence.
Stanlio: Well, it's the first time you've listened to me. You know if you listened to me, in a while you'd be a lot better off.
Ollio: I guess you're right. Tell me that plan again.
Stanlio: [Bewildered] All of it?
Ollio: Certainly, certainly!
Stanlio: Well, if we became rich and we robbed the poor and gave them to the bandits and... we could start at the top, and we'd get to the bottom without working hard anymore. We can't go wrong. It's the law of conversation.
Ollio: What do you mean?
Stanlio: Well, as ye cast your bread on the waters, so shall ye reap.
Ollio: That's very well thought out!

Oliver: [doorbell rings; to Hives] See who that is.
Hives, the butler: [to telegram messenger] See who that is.
Telegram messenger: [to policeman] See who that is.
Policeman: [to cabdriver] See who that is.
Cabdriver: [to Stan] See who that is.
Stanley: [to Oliver] See who it is.
Oliver: [doorbell rings again] Come in!

Oliver: [inside the open car trunk] This is a job for the detectives.
Stanley: Maybe we should turn 'em over to the FHA.
Oliver: Yeah. Shhh!
[they get out of the car trunk.]
Stanley: This must be the hide-in.
Oliver: Hide-out! Come on.

Oliver: [shoving Stan] This is all your fault, bringing the jigsaw puzzle here in the first place.

Oliver: We just like to see kids have fun.

Oliver: When are you going to get that tooth fixed? Every time you speak you make a funny noise. It sounds like a pipe organ.

Ollie Hardy: [They have arrived at a clearing up in the mountains] Isn't this ideal?
Stanley Laurel: It sure is. One month up here and we wouldn't know each other. We've got a well and water and lot's of it and everything.
Ollie Hardy: Go in and ask the folks if they mind if we park here.
[Stan goes up to the door, knocks on it, it opens and the building is empty]
Ollie Hardy: Anyone home?
Stanley Laurel: Not now but there was a minute ago.
Ollie Hardy: Who was it?
Stanley Laurel: It was me. You see I was knocking on the door and...
Ollie Hardy: Nevermind the details. C'mon let's get some food, I'm famished. "I was knocking on the door." Hmph!

Ollie Sr.: [in an irritable bossy tone of voice] Shoot THAT ball!

Ollie Sr.: [stops Laurel partway to the bathroom door and takes the drinking glass out of his hand, then speaks in his typical bossy reproachful manner] Just a minute... you might SPILL IT!
[goes and opens the door, unaware that the little boys had left the bathtub plugged and with its faucet running full blast, and so by now there are several feet of water inside the bathroom. Both men are swept up and carried clear across the living room by the tremendous tidal wave of water that rushes out of the bathroom doorway]