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Oscar Madison:
I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!
-
Walter Matthau
(as Oscar Madison)
in
The Odd Couple
(1968)
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Oscar Madison:
I know him. He'll kill himself just to spite me. Then his ghost will come back, folling me around the apartment, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning, haunting and cleaning...
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Walter Matthau
(as Oscar Madison)
in
The Odd Couple
(1968)
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Oscar Madison:
I'm $800 behind in alimony. Let's raise the stakes.
Roy: They can do it, you know. Oscar Madison: Do what? Roy: Throw you in jail. Oscar Madison: Never. If she can't call me up once a week to aggravate me, she's not happy. Murray the Cop: Aren't you worried about the kids? Oscar Madison: Murray, the kids are living in their grandfather's house with a swimming pool in California. Can we just play cards? Roy: I told you you'd get into trouble. It's because you don't know how manage anything. I should know - I'm your accountant. Oscar Madison: If you're my accountant, how come I need money? Roy: If you need money, how come you play poker? Oscar Madison: 'Cause I need money. Roy: But you always lose. Oscar Madison: That's why I need the money. Roy: Then don't play poker. Oscar Madison: Then don't come to my house and eat my potato chips. [grabs the bag of potato chips on the poker table and flings the entire contents all over the living room] Oscar Madison: You see, wise guy? Potato chips! Murray the Cop: Oh, beautiful, beautiful. [an argument ensues with everyone bickering all at once] Murray the Cop: What are you yelling about? We're playing a friendly game! [the bickering continues] Murray the Cop: All right, all right, ALL RIGHT! Calm down, calm down, take it easy. I'm a cop, you know - I can arrest the whole lousy game. [they all quiet down] Oscar Madison: My friend Murray the cop is right. Let's just play cards and please hold them up. I can't see where I marked them. Roy: He owes money to his wife, his government and his friends and he still won't take it seriously. Oscar Madison: Life goes on even for tho
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Walter Matthau
(as Oscar Madison)
in
The Odd Couple
(1968)
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Oscar Madison:
It takes two to make a rotten mariage.
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Walter Matthau
(as Oscar Madison)
in
The Odd Couple
(1968)
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Oscar Madison:
Murray, I'll give you $200 for your gun.
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Walter Matthau
(as Oscar Madison)
in
The Odd Couple
(1968)
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Oscar Madison:
Now kindly remove that spaghetti from my poker table.
[Felix laughs] Oscar Madison: The hell's so funny? Felix Ungar: It's not spaghetti, it's linguini. [Oscar picks up the linguini and hurls it against the kitchen wall] Oscar Madison: Now it's garbage.
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Walter Matthau
(as Oscar Madison)
in
The Odd Couple
(1968)
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Oscar Madison:
Wait a minute, you're not going anywhere until you take it back!
Felix Ungar: Take what back? Oscar Madison: "Let it be on your head." What the hell is that, the Curse of the Cat People?
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Walter Matthau
(as Oscar Madison)
in
The Odd Couple
(1968)
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Oscar Madison:
Where are you going?
Felix Ungar: To the john. Oscar Madison: Alone? Felix Ungar: I always go alone. Why? Oscar Madison: No reason. You going to be in there long? Felix Ungar: As long as it takes.
-
Jack Lemmon
(as Felix Ungar)
in
The Odd Couple
(1968)
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Oscar Madison:
You can't spend the rest of your life crying. It annoys people in the movies.
-
Walter Matthau
(as Oscar Madison)
in
The Odd Couple
(1968)
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Oscar Madison:
You're not gonna make any effort to change? This is the person you're gonna be until the day you die?
Felix Ungar: We are what we are.
-
Jack Lemmon
(as Felix Ungar)
in
The Odd Couple
(1968)
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