Quotes from Horse Feathers (1932)

Baravelli: [through speakeasy's door] Who are you?
Professor Wagstaff: I'm fine, thanks, who are you?
Baravelli: I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.
Professor Wagstaff: Well, what is the password?
Baravelli: Aw, no. You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.
Professor Wagstaff: Is it Mary?
Baravelli: Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.
Professor Wagstaff: She isn't? Well, she drinks like one. Let me see: Is it sturgeon?
Baravelli: Hey, you crazy. Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.
Professor Wagstaff: I got it. Haddock.
Baravelli: That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.
Professor Wagstaff: What do you take for a haddock?
Baravelli: Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a Calamel.
Professor Wagstaff: Say, I'd walk a mile for a Calamel.
Baravelli: You mean chocolate calamel. I like that too, but you no guess it. Hey, what's-a matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say, "Swordfish." Now I'll give you one more guess.
Professor Wagstaff: ...swordfish, swordfish... I think I got it. Is it "swordfish"?
Baravelli: Hah. That's-a it. You guess it.
Professor Wagstaff: Pretty good, eh?

- Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers (1932)

Connie: [Professor Wagstaff and Connie are in a canoe- a duck is swimming nearby. Connie speaks in a baby voice] Is gweat big stwong man gonna tell icky baby all about the bad football signals?
Professor Wagstaff: Was that you or the duck? 'Cause if it was you, I'm going to finish this ride with the duck.

- Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers (1932)

Connie: If icky baby don't learn about the football signals, icky baby gonna cwy.
Professor Wagstaff: If icky girl keep on talking that way, big stwong man's gonna kick all of her teef wight down her fwoat.

- Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers (1932)

Connie: Oh, Professor, you're full of whimsy.
Professor Wagstaff: Can you notice it from there? I'm always that way after I eat radishes.

- Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers (1932)

Jennings: [at the College Widow's apartment] Pretty popular place, huh?
Professor Wagstaff: Yes, a hot dog stand would clean up here.

- Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers (1932)

Jennings: I love good music.
Professor Wagstaff: So do I, let's get out of here.
Jennings: Sit down!
Professor Wagstaff: [to the audience] I've got to stay here, but there's no reason why you folks shouldn't go out into the lobby until this thing to blows over.

- Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers (1932)

Jennings: If this is a singing lesson I'm a ring-tailed monkey!
Professor Wagstaff: This is a singing lesson, and keep your family out of it.

- Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers (1932)

Jennings: What are you doing here?
Baravelli: Me? I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons.
Jennings: [to Connie] Since when are you taking singing lessons?
Baravelli: Since you came in.
Jennings: [to Wagstaff] What are you doing here?
Professor Wagstaff: I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes.
[to audience]
Professor Wagstaff: That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years.

- Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers (1932)

Biology Professor: Here is the liver.
Professor Wagstaff: What, no bacon? I'd send that back if I were you.

- Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers (1932)

Retiring President: Eh, by the way, professor, there is no smoking.
Professor Wagstaff: That's what you say.
Retiring President: It would please the faculty if you threw your cigar away.
Professor Wagstaff: The faculty members might as well keep their seats. There'll be no diving for this cigar.

- Groucho Marx (as Professor Wagstaff) in Horse Feathers (1932)