Doc Schindler: I'm looking for a freckle!

- Ned Glass (as Doc Schindler) in The Fortune Cookie (1966)

Professor Winterhalter: All these newfangled machines. Fake! It proves nothing. In the old days, we used to do these things better. The man says he's paralyzed, we simply throw him in the snake pit. If he climbs out, then we know he's lying.
Specialist #1: [shocked] And if he doesn't climb out?
Professor Winterhalter: Then we have lost the patient, but we have found an honest man.

- Sig Ruman (as Professor Winterhalter) in The Fortune Cookie (1966)

Charlotte Gingrich: [as their kids skateboard around the hospital's halls] Children! Jeffery, Ginger, cut that out. This is a hospital.
Willie Gingrich: Let 'em. If they're gonna break a leg, this is the place to do it.

- Walter Matthau (as Willie Gingrich) in The Fortune Cookie (1966)

Harry Hinkle: [as Mother Hinkle weeps over him] I'll be all right, Mother.
Willie Gingrich: Sure he will. Every week you read in Time Magazine how they're transplanting kidneys and making new spines out of fiberglass. Don't you think the doctors read that stuff, too?

- Walter Matthau (as Willie Gingrich) in The Fortune Cookie (1966)

Harry Hinkle: [Harry looks disgustingly at Sandy while she's on the floor looking for her contact lens] I don't want to find you here when I get back. And take your damn meatloaf with you.

- Jack Lemmon (as Harry Hinkle) in The Fortune Cookie (1966)

Harry Hinkle: Florida and Mustangs and foxes, how are you gonna pay for all of this?
Willie Gingrich: Our credit is good.
Harry Hinkle: Well don't you think we better wait 'til we see some of that insurance money?
Willie Gingrich: Wait? Who waits nowadays? Take the government. When they shoot a billion dollars worth of hardware into space, do you think they pay cash? It's all on the Diner's Club!

- Walter Matthau (as Willie Gingrich) in The Fortune Cookie (1966)

Harry Hinkle: Of course he's upset. He's a lawyer - he's paid to be upset.

- Jack Lemmon (as Harry Hinkle) in The Fortune Cookie (1966)

Willie Gingrich: He's gonna give you a shot to help you pass those tests.
Harry Hinkle: Oh, I'm not gonna take any shots from a waiter!
Willie Gingrich: What do you mean "waiter?" This is Doc Schindler, from Chicago.
Doc Schindler: Howdy.
Willie Gingrich: Those insurance guys think they're such geniuses. What they forget is every time they build a better mousetrap, the mice gets smarter, too.
Harry Hinkle: You'll be careful, won't you, Doc?
Doc Schindler: I better be, because I'm on parole.
Harry Hinkle: Parole?
Doc Schindler: They caught me tampering with a horse at Arlington Park.
Harry Hinkle: A veterinary?
Willie Gingrich: Well actually, he's a dentist.
Doc Schindler: What do you want?
Willie Gingrich: Right arm and left leg. Make them good and numb.
Doc Schindler: Oh, *numb*.
Willie Gingrich: Sure, we want those nerves blocked!
Doc Schindler: Oh, then I better use the Novocain, because with this stuff, he'll run the mile in 1:34 flat.

- Ned Glass (as Doc Schindler) in The Fortune Cookie (1966)

Willie Gingrich: I'm his brother-in-law, Sister. And this is his mother, Sister, and this is my wife, his sister, Sister.

- Walter Matthau (as Willie Gingrich) in The Fortune Cookie (1966)

Willie Gingrich: Now tell me, Mr. Cimoli, exactly how did you break your hip?
Mr. Cimoli: It's my *pelvis*!
Willie Gingrich: All right, your pelvis. How did it happen?
Mr. Cimoli: Well I was coming out of the store, and there it was on the sidewalk.
Willie Gingrich: What?
Mr. Cimoli: [Shows Gingrich a banana peel] This.
Willie Gingrich: I see. And you were coming out of *what* store?
Mr. Cimoli: Nat's Delicatessen, on Euclid Avenue.
Willie Gingrich: Too bad.
Mr. Cimoli: Oh, such pain.
Willie Gingrich: I mean too bad it didn't happen further down the street in front of the May Company. From *them* you can collect. Couldn't you have dragged yourself another twenty feet?

- Walter Matthau (as Willie Gingrich) in The Fortune Cookie (1966)