Leila Crofton: Well, I should think she'd be able to take one look at you and realize that if you were left alone with a woman... why...
Reginald Irving: We'd both be safe.
[pause]
Reginald Irving: I-I was in a house one time, aaall alone with the most beautiful French maid... and she tried to kiss me. She was baking a pie...
Leila Crofton: And what did you do?
Reginald Irving: ...I ate the pie.

- Buster Keaton (as Reginald Irving) in Parlor, Bedroom and Bath (1931)

Angelica Embrey: The more I see of men, the more I love my dog.

- Dorothy Christy (as Angelica Embrey) in Parlor, Bedroom and Bath (1931)

Jeffrey Haywood: Now, when you first get to your room, order some... uh, champagne and broiled lobster.
Reginald Irving: Champ... Ch... Can't you make it beer?
Jeffrey Haywood: Beer? Certainly not. Champagne!
[pause]
Jeffrey Haywood: C, H, A, M, P, A, uh... oh, well, make it wine. W, I, N, E.
Reginald Irving: Oh well, what do I call her?
Jeffrey Haywood: Oh, call her... kid, sweetheart, baby...
Reginald Irving: Kid, sweetheart, baby.
Jeffrey Haywood: Uh huh. And then when you're helping her to take off her...
Reginald Irving: Take off her what?
Jeffrey Haywood: Wrap!
Reginald Irving: R, A, P.
Jeffrey Haywood: No, WRAP! *W*, R, A, P.
Reginald Irving: Wap?
Jeffrey Haywood: Wap?... Well, make it coat.
Reginald Irving: K, O, T, E.

- Buster Keaton (as Reginald Irving) in Parlor, Bedroom and Bath (1931)

Polly Hathaway: You have all the passion of an infuriated clam.

- Charlotte Greenwood (as Polly Hathaway) in Parlor, Bedroom and Bath (1931)

Polly Hathaway: You're dead and you won't lay down.

- Charlotte Greenwood (as Polly Hathaway) in Parlor, Bedroom and Bath (1931)

Polly Hathaway: You're just as safe with me as you would be in jail.

- Charlotte Greenwood (as Polly Hathaway) in Parlor, Bedroom and Bath (1931)

[Questioning Reginald Irving]
Jeffrey Haywood: Have you ever had anything to do with women?
Reginald Irving: Oh, I used to sell vacuum cleaners.
Jeffrey Haywood: No no, I mean, have you ever had a love affair with a woman?
Reginald Irving: Oh, gosh no.
Jeffrey Haywood: Well, you're going to have.
Reginald Irving: Oh, I can't. I don't get paid until Saturday.

- Buster Keaton (as Reginald Irving) in Parlor, Bedroom and Bath (1931)