Jane Stacy: [Hearing the telephone ringing after finding her ruined clothes] I'll answer it, Mrs. O'Reilly. My feet are wet and I want to be sure I'll be electrocuted.

- Diana Lynn in My Friend Irma (1949)

Jane Stacy: Anything can happen when you live with my friend Irma!

- Diana Lynn in My Friend Irma (1949)

Steve Laird: Now, there's the mirror. Take a look at yourself. Now, if you notice, you have deep expression in your eyes and a very sensitive chin - all the qualities of a legitimate actor - maybe even a great lover.
Seymour: Yeah, but isn't my voice too high?
Steve Laird: Not neccessarily. Maybe you can make love to tall girls.

- Dean Martin in My Friend Irma (1949)

Professor Kropotkin: My little pigeon!
Seymour: Who's a pigeon?
Professor Kropotkin: It's only me, Professor Kropotkin.
Jane Stacy: Well, hello, Professor.
Irma Peterson: Hi, Professor.
Professor Kropotkin: Oh, Jane and Irma, my two little proud beauties! One with her head in the air and the other with air in her head.

- Hans Conried in My Friend Irma (1949)

Seymour: The least you could do is show me some sympathy, Steve. When you was sick, I was very considerate. Remember when the doctor gave you only 30 days to live?
Steve Laird: Yes!
Seymour: Didn't I go out and get you a calender?

- Jerry Lewis in My Friend Irma (1949)

Irma Peterson: [On phone] Oh Jane, darling. I called you because I wanted to tell you to be sure not to take a shower.
Jane Stacy: And why shouldn't I take a shower and be clean like all other normal people?
Irma Peterson: Well, you see, I painted the clothes closet, and I hung all the clothes in the shower.
Jane Stacy: Irma, when you come home tonight would you bring a piece of good, strong rope with you? Because there's something else I want to hang in the shower with the clothes.
Irma Peterson: Really, Jane? What?
Jane Stacy: You. Irma Peterson, how could you be so stupid?

- Diana Lynn in My Friend Irma (1949)

Irma Peterson: [to Al] Oh, well, you know Jane. She wants to marry a man with money, but I don't think money's important. Look, I have you, and you have me, and we both have nothing.

- Marie Wilson in My Friend Irma (1949)

Irma Peterson: How often does a girl meet a millionaire with money?

- Marie Wilson in My Friend Irma (1949)

Al: Your time will come, son. I'll save you for a rainy day. Got to hold back a little. Don't want to push too much.
Seymour: Rainy day? I got news for you. I get hungry in clear weather!

- Jerry Lewis in My Friend Irma (1949)