Probert: How are you, Lewis? Still peddling trash to the masses?
John Lewis: Yes, that's true, yes... How 'bout you, still writing it?

- Peter Sellers in Only Two Can Play (1962)

Salter: Am I to take it then that none of your family have ever been involved with plumbing?
John Lewis: Well, as a matter of fact, my father once had an unfortunate experience on Euston station during the blackout. Uh, what happened was... You see, it was dark at the time and he didn't realize that the train was actually standing at the station at the time... Apart from that, no.

- Peter Sellers in Only Two Can Play (1962)

John Lewis: Excuse me. Where do they keep the thunder box in this place?
Party guest: I beg your pardon?
John Lewis: Where does one go if one wants to wash one's hands?

- Peter Sellers in Only Two Can Play (1962)

John Lewis: What he does, you see, he puts the canvas on the floor, chucks some whopping great dollops of paint on it and drags a naked woman across it. Yes. Yes. Sort of job I'd like, that. I'd enjoy cleaning the brushes anyway.

- Peter Sellers in Only Two Can Play (1962)

John Lewis: You know what you're asking for, don't you?
Probert: I always thought you were crude, Lewis, but right now you're surpassing even yourself.
John Lewis: ...and you're going to get it in a moment, boy-o, and not in blank verse either.

- Peter Sellers in Only Two Can Play (1962)

Man with salt-obsessed friend: Something to do with his blood, you know. He got to get it into his bloodstream.
John Lewis: Uh, the Pygmies have the same problem. Yes, I quite understand. Well, tell your friend not to worry because relief is on the way.

- Peter Sellers in Only Two Can Play (1962)

[first lines]
Pretty Girl in Library: Good morning. Have you "Conditioned Reflexes"?
John Lewis: Uh...
Pretty Girl in Library: It's by Pavlov.
John Lewis: Yes... It's out at the moment but if you'd like to leave your name, I could reserve it for you.

- Peter Sellers in Only Two Can Play (1962)

[last lines]
Jean: You did very well.
John Lewis: I think I'm definitely improving, don't you?
Jean: Oh, you've still got a long way to go.
John Lewis: We both got a long way to go, haven't we? Quite a long drive home, isn't it?

- Peter Sellers in Only Two Can Play (1962)