Uncle George: The groom usually has a father or brother stand up with him. Have you any close relatives who might - ?
Kenneth Marquis: One of my ex-wives?
Uncle George: Hardly. Let's get on with it. Louise. Uh, dearly beloved, we are gathered, um, so on and so on. To join together this man and this woman, and so on and so on. Well, there's no use going any further with this part of the rehearsal.
Kenneth Marquis: Certainly not on my behalf. I know it by heart.

Dexter Franklin: Hi, Mr. Archer.
Harry P. Archer: Oh ...
Dexter Franklin: This is tomorrow.
Harry P. Archer: I'll make a note of that fact on my calender.
Mrs. Janet Archer: Do you mind, Dexter, we're awfully busy.
Dexter Franklin: But you promised to talk to me about the blackmail today.
Harry P. Archer: At this moment there is nothing in the world I'd be willing to talk to you about. Now get out!
Dexter Franklin: Holy cow!

Harry P. Archer: [Addressing the court] Seldom in my long career as an attorney have I ever encountered a man who can claim no virtue. But I say to you, you have such a man in your courtroom today. Cold-blooded and ruthless, unmoved by the pain he has caused, Kenneth Marquis smugly sits there gloating. And a poor, loyal, trusting girl suffers. A girl, I say, and yet, she is little more than a child, innocent, and unworldly. Kenneth Marquis treated her like dirt, your honor. And from the moment they were married, yes, even on her bridal night, insults and injuries were heaped upon her.
Kenneth Marquis: [to his attorney] Included in that heap was a 50 foot schooner and a string of pearls. To say nothing of a blond mink, a silver blue mink, and a rainbow mink. Bless her furry little heart. Much as I dislike that poisonous wench, I'm beginning to dislike that attorney of hers even more, if possible.

Taylor: If I were Archer, I'd be after you with a shotgun!
Kenneth Marquis: Well, a shotgun is customary only in cases where the bridegroom is unwilling. I, on the other hand, am panting with eagerness. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Taylor: Humph! One slip up and you're the formerly wealthy Mr. Marquis. Aside from Archer, your stockholders won't stand for any more escapades in court.
Kenneth Marquis: [phone buzzes] Yeah? It's Pop. Probably wants another retraction. Hello, Pop. This is Sonny. Oh! Language! I don't know why you're so upset. Everyone knows that young love is, um, impetuous. Oh, please, Daddy Dear. I seem to notice a certain beligerence in your tone. You what? Consent? What? When? Oh, I see. You do? Oh, you don't. You will? Who? Me? Oh.
[hangs up phone]
Kenneth Marquis: I'm about to become a husband.

Kenneth Marquis: Uncle George? Have you any hobbies? I mean, do you collect things, and things?
Uncle George: I have a large collection of antique rocks. Every one of which I would like to throw at you!